Mine is randomly knowing shit. No, I am not joking, that is what I do. I gussy it up with a fancy name like, “Claircognizant Empathic Medium”, but let’s be real here. That name literally means: I randomly know shit, I can feel that everyone is freaking out right now, and oh yeah, I speak to the dead. And if your next question is, “Boy, I bet you are fun at parties.” Then my answer would be, ‘depends on who you talk to!’ Heyooo! Do you get it? Cause some of them are dead? Guys? …Hello?

*clears throat*

In case you all want to know what other fun-filled psychic-related labels are, here is a list of them: (With my no-BS approach to simultaneously explaining them and making fun of them.)

• Intuition: I guess I just kind of know stuff is coming? Maybe?
• Clairvoyance: OMG, WHAT IS THAT? DO YOU SEE THAT? I SWEAR, IT IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I think it just flipped me the bird.
• Clairaudience: The voices in my head tell me things; in a non-multiple personality kind of way.
• Clairsentience: I have changed emotions 18 times in 2 mins. Oh look, I feel fine when I am in a place that makes me feel comfortable and safe. Hmm, that sure is weird. People tell me to get a grip, but maybe, IT’S NOT ME.
• Claircognizance: I know shit. Don’t question me, I just do. No, I will not cite sources, you can’t handle my sources.
• Premonition: I see you driving a car in your future.
• Precognition: (Vibing off of the previous premonition:)  I see you driving around in a Blue Audi R8 with an A 430-HP FSI V8 engine and a Quattro all-wheel drive system on the second Tuesday of March in precisely 2 years.
• Telepathy: Right now you are thinking, “Wow, this girl is nutso…did I take my vitamins this morning? Where is my cell phone? Oh, it’s in my pocket. Wait, is she listening to me right now…oh god, don’t think about boobs…”
• Psychokinesis: There is no spoon.
• Psychometry: *Picks up watch* This was your mothers, she wore it every day. You gave it to her for mother’s day in 1986. She never had the heart to tell you that she couldn’t stand rose gold, but she knew you tried hard picking it out for her, so she wore it anyway.
• Palmistry: I see that your hands have lines on them. That means you are the descendant of a shaman healer, you have mystical powers that allow you to see the color orange. Live long and prosper.
• Astrology: The stars, man. When your 18^th house is doing the mamba to the trine conjunction while giving Jupiter the side eye, it means things are going to happen. So buckle up butter-cup, shit’s about to get real.
• Scrying: Come, gaze deeply into my crystal ball…no, seriously, LOOK at it. I spent $2,000 on this hunk of pretty earth rock, you better come over here and admire it. Also, your Grandma is here and she says ‘hi’.
• Tarot: My cards seem unassuming to you, but when interpreted properly they can rock your world and make you question everything you have known up until this very moment. Do you want to see my collection?? I have 42 decks, all with varying themes and original artist signatures!
• Aura-Reading: Pretty colors! Oh right, um, by the looks of these colors… you need to meditate more. And by the way, the surgery you had last year is healing well.
• Channeling: Spirits use my body like an MMORPG.
• Mediums: I’m an interpreter between alternate planes of existence…but hey, have you ever watched that show, “Ancient Aliens”? It is dope as hell, man.

 

Now that you have a general idea about this stuff, how did you make out? Do you have any super powers? If you do, hone that shit, practice it, and get good at it!

PS: These descriptions are meant to be a joke, please keep that in mind. If you google them, you will find more in-depth (and serious) explanations and definitions. My intention was not meant to put down any of these practices. They all have a purpose, and can be very beneficial when used properly. We all need a laugh now and then, and I believe laughing at ourselves is the best way to keep humble and grounded.

 

Updates: Update: I would like to formally announce that I am currently taking clients. Feel free to check out the new tab located at the top of my page labeled “My Services” or you can email me for more information at YugenExistence@gmail.com.

 

Go with light and love.